The gentle and rhythmic hum
of the train soothed Aurora into a dull lull. As she peered through the
carriage window, with one eye open- a picturesque field of grass spanning as
far as the eye can see steadily came into view. What a beautiful and vast kind
of nothingness she thought to herself. While others would have seen this and
raveled in the beauty of nature and life. She instead saw the endlessness that
is an affliction on all living things. We live, we die so others can live and
die. The pointlessness of it all. Caught off-guard by the often absentminded
straying of her thoughts, she shook her head violently to her left as if to
wake herself from that dark place she knew all too well. Looking down at hands
that were cradling shaky knees, she pulled up the right sleeve of a worn-out
winter sweater. The grey stitches were starting to venture out and free loose
thread that swayed along to the beat of the train. Aurora took one long breath
in, closed her eyes altogether and mastered the courage to open them again. She
had to face her scars, she had to face what she had done. Staring angrily at
her were elongated cuts that had traveled down her right arm, bright red, open
and still bleeding. She fought a small smile, perverted is what most would call
her. But try as she might, seeing the blood ooze out of her slowly and with
such unapologetic purpose always gave her a small thrill. To see the essence of
her being sip from her by her own doing truly was quite a sight. She had
figured, ever since the moment she was born, living had never been a choice. At
first she breathed in life because she didn’t know any better, then she did it
because everyone else seemed to be choosing to carry on with little to no
concern for the all the true unknowns that lied not ahead but were boldly
occurring in the present. Some part of her had also given herself to the
concept of death, it is inevitable, it is undeniable and for us all- it will
one day come. No, death was never a cause for fear, anxiety or depression. It
was the only security, and the only sure thing she had ever known. See, for her
death was never the question, death was the only answer. Be it the meaning of
life or the reason we exist. Death had always been the one truth that could not
be contested or argued. Aurora followed the silent drip of essence flowering
the carriage floor. She had decided a long time ago that the only thing she
would dare to own and direct is the time in which her death would
arrive. She would finally have a voice, she would no longer watch helplessly as
a bystander to the living. An outsider with no notable grasp on the mechanics
of existing. No, she alone would be the judge and jury. What a beautiful ode to
empowerment and agency, what an exquisite exit. What other real fulfillment
than to dream a dream, then be the one to seek it out and fulfill it? The smile
faded into her face, she could no longer bring herself to cry. For self-pity
was a bed made by entitlement and need. A most basic embodiment of greed, and
she had filled her cup to the brim with that awful flow of selfishness and
first deaths. The puddle of deep red was mesmerizing, Aurora’s head felt
lighter, breaking free from the heaviness she finally took in everything placed
ever so deliberately on the train, empty chairs, closed doors, windows and even
the train grab handles on which passengers were meant to use to help find
better footing. She laughed out loud at the thought, then quickly cupped her
mouth in a sheepish gesture of shyness. Light streaming in and inviting the
day.
“Aurora!”- A most familiar
voice boomed throughout the train, threatening to snap the wheels from the
tracks. The vibration lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Aurora waited
knowingly for it to fade off from the end of the train and somewhere into the
wind. The corners of her mouth still slightly raised, she knew exactly what
needed to happen. And when she spoke, her voice was like aloe Vera to the
patient burn and deceit of the sun.
“Shhh, no need to fuss…” Her
eyes moistened, she blew out a sad sigh that spoke of universes discovered but
never inhabited. Dissolute planets, and forgotten evolutions that could or
could not have made some kind of change. Only if someone had cared. Anyway, she
knew she could not afford to go back there.
After a moment, Aurora
continued, “The train of death has no more than one passenger, you know that.
Yet for you are my burden to carry, I walk with you always. You are in my
likeness like a shadow, and I will honor my duty. Now be still and come sit
next to me… ” Aurora patted the cushion seat beside her and sweetly lifted her
finger to the window.
“There, look outside the
window. See how green the grass is? It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
Always powerless against her
charm, always slave to her every whim, Depression smiled in agreement looking
only at Aurora’s silhouette.
My dear. Immensely talented. Above average RSA standard. Symbolism, imagery, metaphors, vocab, depth, I'm left speechless! Where from do you fetch these words? This is a library in one head....
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful for your place in my life! You make all this stuff worth it...And with feedback like this, why would I ever stop??! Lol, and the library is a wealth of human experiences that I have been blessed with. Thanks to friends, lovers and family. It's all YOU guys....
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